Why you resist letting go: Understanding resistance to emotional sobriety
You sit down to release a painful feeling… and suddenly, you’re scrolling on your phone. Reaching for a sugary treat in the fridge. Or maybe you “forget” to practice. Or you convince yourself this doesn’t really work; that you’ve released enough. It can’t be beneficial to be experiencing painful sensations. Sound familiar?
That’s ‘resistance’ — the ego’s built-in defence mechanism to avoid letting go. And it’s the biggest block to emotional sobriety. In releasing, we use the terms resistance and blocks interchangeably.
Let’s unpack what resistance looks like — and what to do when it shows up.
What is resistance
Resistance is the part of us that’s afraid to let go. It’s the internal tension that arises whenever we move toward freedom. It’s the ego trying to maintain balance despite the emotional burden.
In step 10, we’re taught to watch for character defects. Resistance is the character defect for releasing. It disguises itself as logic, distraction, or even “spiritual” insight. But at its root, it’s always fear-based.
It’s commonly said that connection is the opposite of addiction. Whilst this is true to an extent, I believe that on an emotional level, releasing is the opposite of addiction. Why? Because addiction is an attempt to control the way we feel. A coping mechanism to avoid feeling uncomfortable feelings. Releasing is allowing whatever needs to arise, to arise, fully and completely. This natural process is blocked by resistance.
Why you resist releasing
On some level, we learnt that it wasn’t safe to express feelings. Pushing feelings down became a survival trait. We think if we let go, we’ll lose control. We’ll be overwhelmed. Or nothing will change. So what's the point?
Releasing reveals that these fears and attitudes are just old conditioning. They worked for us in addiction. But they don’t work in recovery.
How resistance shows up
Resistance can take many forms:
🚩 Procrastination: “I’ll do it later.” “I’m too busy”.
🚩 Perfectionism: “I need to release perfectly”. “I’m not doing it right”.
🚩 Doubt: “Is this really working?” “Have I released?” “Releasing isn’t for me”.
🚩 Distraction: Reaching for your phone or starting a different task. Binge-watching TV shows.
🚩 Suppression: Consciously knowing a feeling has arisen and thinking that it has been dealt with. Or doesn’t need to be released. Convenient forgetting to release.
🚩 Fatigue: Suddenly feeling tired or bored when you sit down to release.
🚩 Overthinking: Getting stuck in analysis instead of releasing. Getting sucked back into the alluring story.
🚩 False attribution: There is a common block to releasing, whereby we attribute the success and growth we are experiencing from releasing to something else. One might say “my husband has had a change of heart” if the relationship is improving. Or if you were looking for work and suddenly started getting interviews and received a new job offer, one might say “there was an upturn in business conditions”.
🚩 Spiritual bypassing: The delusion that recovery is all about love and peace. This is assuming a spiritual identity without doing the work to get there. Thereby, bypassing the requirement to process and handle a lifetime of unexpressed emotion.
Each of these strategies is the mind’s way of creating resistance and avoiding releasing.
The hidden payoff of negative emotion
Before we can start releasing, we have to understand how resistance shows up in the first place. Every negative feeling offers a hidden payoff. A temporary illusion of safety, control, or identity. When we see the payoff clearly, the spell begins to break. What once felt like self-preservation is revealed as self-sabotage. This is the turning point. From here, we can begin to let go of resistance and begin the journey to wholeness.
➡️ Shame (I am bad)
Payoff: Avoids vulnerability.
Shame creates the illusion of control by keeping us hidden. “If you really knew me, you’d leave.” It offers a warped kind of safety — if I reject myself first, others can’t hurt me. It also feeds the martyr identity: “I deserve to suffer.”
Releasing direction: Let go of the story that shame protects you. It doesn’t. It isolates. Beneath shame is often fear, and beneath that is a cry for love. Releasing shame is the beginning of self-acceptance.
➡️ Apathy (I can’t)
Payoff: Avoids responsibility.
If I believe I can’t change, I don’t have to try. I get to opt out of life. No risk, no failure. There's comfort in defeat. Others may even step in to save or soothe me, reinforcing my helplessness.
Releasing direction: Let go of the belief that you are powerless. Apathy is often grief with fear layered on top. Under the “I can’t” is always “I won’t”. Face the fear driving the apathy.
➡️ Grief (I’ve lost)
Payoff: Staying loyal to what was.
Holding onto grief feels like honouring the loss. If I let go, it feels like I’m forgetting them or that the pain meant nothing. There’s also a hidden identity here: the one who has suffered.
Releasing direction: Let go of the guilt around healing. Releasing grief doesn’t mean forgetting; it means integrating. You can keep the love and release the pain.
➡️ Fear (What if?)
Payoff: The illusion of control.
Fear gives us the illusion that we’re being vigilant. That if we worry enough, prepare enough, we can avoid pain. It keeps us scanning, controlling, and avoiding. But it’s exhausting.
Releasing direction: Let go of the idea that fear keeps you safe. Release the bodily sensations of fear. The truth is, releasing fear restores presence, which is where your real power lives.
➡️ Desire (I need)
Payoff: Sense of purpose or drive.
Desire tricks us into thinking fulfilment is just around the corner. It gives us something to chase. Something that will finally make us okay. Whether it’s a partner, a job, or a number on the scale.
Releasing direction: Let go of the belief that you’re incomplete. Desire stems from lack. Peace is already available now, if you’re willing to stop searching outside of yourself and reown your power.
➡️ Anger (It’s not fair!)
Payoff: Energy and self-righteousness.
Anger feels powerful. It pushes against injustice. It gives a rush of autonomy. And it protects, especially if softer emotions like grief or shame are underneath.
Releasing direction: Let go of the need to be right. Beneath anger is often fear, sadness, or hurt. Release what’s underneath to move through it.
➡️ Pride (I know better)
Payoff: Superiority and separation.
Pride allows us to feel better than. Smarter than. More spiritual. It masks insecurity. It builds identity. But it blocks intimacy and keeps us from being teachable.
Releasing direction: Let go of the payoff of being “right.” Pride resists help, growth, and humility. All of which are required for emotional sobriety.
Learning to release is learning to love yourself
At its core, resistance is an act of self-denial. Denying the parts of us which are asking to be seen and acknowledged. Resistance may have served a purpose in addiction. But in recovery, it means that there are parts of ourselves we are not willing to love. You will not begin the journey of loving yourself if you keep resisting. If you keep resisting and don’t learn to release, you will always be vulnerable to relapse or living a life of quiet desperation.
Resisting…
Inhibits the natural rising and falling of feelings and emotions.
Stops the release of stored energy that keeps you reactive and enmeshed.
Blocks you off from accessing the here and now.
Blocks you off from being with discomfort and is the precursor to the desire to escape, numb, express or suppress.
Prevents the dissolving of shame, guilt, fear, and grief.
Impedes the spiritual growth required for emotional sobriety.
Slows down progress in 12-step recovery beyond just stopping the behaviour or using the substance.
Disconnects you from building the self-esteem that comes from handling and resolving old feelings and patterns of being.
Keeps us trapped in old stories and feeling stuck.
The irony? What we’re resisting is the very thing that would heal us. The obstacle is the path. What you resist, persists.
Releasing resistance
Here’s the good news: you can release on resistance, too. There is only releasing or resistance. Releasing begins when you stop resisting. Find out more about how to release.
Step-by-Step:
1. Notice it - Acknowledge that resistance is present in whichever way it is showing up. Be aware that resistance is sticky, and new forms of resistance may show up. If they do, that’s a sign of real progress. The ego knows you have a knife to cut through the old patterns. Keep going.
2. Let it be there - Stop trying to fix it or push it away. Stop resisting the resistance.
3. Allow it to run its course - Allow the energy of resistance to begin to dissolve. Remember, you are free to hold on. This attitude often prompts a release of the resistance.
The moment you stop resisting resistance, it begins to dissolve. This is the way out.
You’re not doing it wrong
Feeling resistance doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’ve started the journey towards releasing. Every time resistance shows up, it’s a doorway. When you release what blocks you, freedom follows.
Need support moving through resistance?
If you’re ready to release emotions instead of suppressing, expressing, or analysing them, then you’re ready for OUTSIDE help. We teach you how to release in the moment, as life happens, so you can truly live life on life’s terms. Read my answers to the most frequently asked questions.
If you’re interested in working with me, check out my emotional sobriety coaching services.
If you’re ready to talk about how releasing can benefit your recovery and explore working with me, book a discovery call today to begin the journey towards emotional sobriety. Learn more about emotional sobriety.
If you’re reading this but feel you’re at the stage where you are back in the grip of alcoholism or drug addiction, get in touch with Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous. There is a solution.
