How to let go: Releasing explained for 12-step recovery

You’ve probably heard people say “just let it go.” Sounds logical and the right thing to do. But how exactly do you ‘let go’? What is the mechanism of letting go? And why do we resist letting go, even though resisting means continued pain and suffering?

Letting go of resentments, fear and control are central in a program of recovery, but few of us were ever taught the ‘how to’ of letting go.

Letting go of the substance or behaviour requires so much more than just simply ‘stopping. Stopping is just the beginning.

Addiction of any kind is a messenger of a deeper yearning for a return to wholeness.

In Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (ACA), the 10th item on the laundry list states, “we have ‘stuffed’ our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much”.

This pattern of numbing, escaping and avoiding feelings is pervasive across all addictions.

Let’s clear up the confusion and explore what releasing ‘is’, what it ‘isn’t and how it may benefit your recovery.

What is releasing?

Releasing is an innate human ability to allow emotions to come up and be experienced — without resisting, analysing, suppressing or expressing them (getting in the way).

At its core, releasing is about letting go of the internal pressure that keeps us emotionally stuck and is at the root of all acting out.

If we think about the body in terms of homeostasis, a biological term that means “balance.” The body has innate intelligence to regulate internal systems such; temperature, blood sugar and heart rate.

The same is true for emotional homeostasis. For whatever reason, feelings and emotions were not expressed. And they begin to accumulate and express themselves through compulsive behaviours or physical illness. The body does not want to hold onto stored emotions, and they start to ‘come up’ when we put the substance down.

To highlight this point. Imagine you go for a run. Do you need to instruct your body to increase lung capacity as you’re going to require more oxygen to fuel the muscles? No. Do you need to instruct your body to open up your pores so you can sweat? No. Once you finish the run, do you need to instruct your body to reduce your lung capacity or stop sweating? No.

So why do we think we need to control our feelings? Why do we think we need to ‘let go’ or do something for the body to return to a state of emotional homeostasis?

The answer is you don’t. The answer is to stop resisting and get out of the way. Feelings and emotions will keep coming up as the body naturally wants to release and return to balance. The question is, are you willing to allow what has been unexpressed to come up and be released?

How does this work? Let's look at the process of releasing in a step-by-step process.

1. Notice the feeling as a collection of bodily sensations

Releasing begins by letting the feeling come up. There are three ways to notice that a feeling is arising. Directly: through the bodily sensations. Indirectly: through the quality of your thinking. Or behaviorally, through the desire to change the feeling state by the use of a pseudo-solution. Releasing is not a cognitive process. It is not necessary to label the feeling, as labels cannot be released.

2. Allow the Feeling to be there.

The next step is to let go of any resistance to having the feeling in the first place. Get out of the way. Let go of any moralising about having the feeling. Let go of any judgment about having the feeling. Get into the radical experience of what is actually being experienced. This can be uncomfortable, especially at first. But by dropping the resistance to what is being experienced, the energy behind the feeling is then allowed to rise, peak, and fall away. Just like a musical note on a piano.

In releasing, feelings are not personal. Let go of the idea that it's ‘your’ feeling and be with the experience of the bodily sensations which are arising. It is “a” feeling or “the” feeling.

We use the term bodily sensations rather than feelings. Take anxiety, for example. Someone might say ‘I’m anxious’. Firstly, they're identifying the feeling as who they are, thereby personalising it. But anxiety is not the total sum of who they are; it is a label and is not what is radically being experienced in the body.

In releasing, we let go resisting what is actually being experienced, which is simply a cluster of bodily sensations. In this case, the bodily sensations of anxiety may be; a knot in the stomach, a dry mouth, tightness in the chest, increased heart rate, a queasiness or a sick feeling in the pit of the stomach.

4. Ignore the story

Let go of the story attached to the feeling itself and keep your attention on the bodily sensations themselves. Allow the thoughts to run, but do not engage with them. Thoughts are merely rationalisations of the feeling. They are the source of the blocks to experiencing a feeling. Go deeper into the blocks and resistance to releasing.

When releasing, there is no requirement to understand why you feel what you feel. Do you want to understand why you feel the way you do, more than you desire peace?

It’s about allowing the energy behind the feeling to dissolve.

5. Allow the feeling to run its course

When releasing, you learn to adopt an internal posture of the witness/ observer of whatever is arising. As the witness, you begin to observe the rising, peaking and falling away of any and every feeling from the beginning, through the middle, until the end. The release reaches a cessation once the energy has run out from behind the feeling. It will be replaced with a lighter feeling.

The feeling may return if there is more of it. Apply the same process until the feeling no longer arises. It’s as simple as that.

Imagine you have misplaced your keys. There is instant inner tension. Panic. You think of the loss. The effort, cost and self-judgement that come with having to replace the keys. Then you find them. In that moment, there is a release. You breathe a sigh of relief. That’s the process of releasing. Stop resisting and allow the feeling to run its course.

Adopt spiritual principles of curiosity, acceptance and willingness and let go of trying to control or be rid of the feeling. There is nothing “to do” in releasing. It is all about allowing, welcoming, and inviting the feeling to run its course. It’s learning to ‘be with’ whatever is arising. This is how to love oneself. To love is to witness.

What releasing is not

❌ Releasing is suppression.

Pushing feelings down isn’t releasing — it’s avoidance. Suppressed emotions don’t disappear. They build up and resurface, often more strongly. They ‘come out sideways’.

❌ Releasing is expression.

Venting or acting out your feelings can feel cathartic, but it’s not the same as releasing. Expressing feelings can harm relationships, which causes more shame, guilt and potentially another amends to make. Expression may relieve the pressure temporarily, but the underlying energy remains.

❌ Releasing requires analysis.

Trying to figure out “why” you feel a certain way is a block. While insight can be helpful, it doesn’t dissolve the emotion. Releasing gets to the root of the feeling directly.

❌ Releasing is an intellectual process.

Rationalising or trying to think one’s way out of a feeling is not releasing. Ignoring your emotions or pretending they’re not there isn’t releasing. Releasing means being with whatever is arising.

❌ Releasing is outside of oneself.

Spiritual growth requires emotional honesty and 100% responsibility. Nothing ‘out there’ is causing an internal reaction. You cannot progress spiritually unless what is arising in the here and now is owned within oneself with total responsibility. What you resist, persists. There is only releasing or resisting. Nothing in between.

In releasing coaching, we start with where you’re at in the here and now, and begin to work our way down in consciousness. If there is an unresolved issue from your past, the only time it can affect you is in the here and now.

Why releasing matters in recovery

In 12-step recovery, we learn to live life without the substance or behaviour of choice. But if the inner work of letting go of unexpressed emotion has not begun, there is a tendency to develop other ways of escape (acting out). These new pseudo-solution coping mechanisms can develop into new addictions.

The healing work of dealing with the repressed emotion will not begin until all acting out is stopped. Releasing offers a practical tool for expressing the unexpressed emotion and ending the cycle of acting out, once and for all.

Long-term sobriety will not be achieved by merely stopping the harmful behaviours. It’s about not being ruled by dysfunctional emotional patterns. Releasing helps you to stop reacting, so you can start responding.

With practice, you begin to progressively identify as the changeless witness within. You will begin to realise the truth of who or what you really are. You will start to feel happier, lighter and freer. The fear of living begins to dissolve as you realise you can handle any shame, guilt, grief, apathy, fear, anger, fear and pride that arises. Your self-esteem will skyrocket, and your confidence will grow with each release. See what people are saying about releasing.

Ready to learn how?

If you’re ready to release emotions instead of suppressing, expressing, or analysing them, then you’re ready for OUTSIDE help. We teach you how to release in the moment, as life happens, so you can truly live life on life’s terms. Read my answers to the most frequently asked questions.

If you’re interested in working with me, check out my emotional sobriety coaching services.

If you’re ready to talk about how releasing can benefit your recovery and explore working with me, book a discovery call today to begin the journey towards emotional sobriety. Learn more about emotional sobriety.

If you’re reading this but feel you’re at the stage where you are back in the grip of alcoholism or drug addiction, get in touch with Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous. There is a solution.