How to release grief in recovery: Letting go of emotional pain

Grief is a universal experience. One we all encounter sooner or later. But in the 12-step rooms, we’re often better at talking about powerlessness and unmanageability than we are at confronting the deep sorrow and sadness that lies within.

At OUTSIDE help, we don’t bypass grief. We learn to release it.

What grief really feels like

Grief is more than just sadness. It’s that aching heaviness in the chest. The thought that “I’ll never make it.” It’s regret over lost years, disappointment over broken dreams, and a quiet, gnawing loneliness. Grief speaks in “if onlys” and “what could’ve been.”

It can show up after the loss of a loved one, a relationship, a role we used to play, or even a belief system that once gave our life meaning. In recovery, many of us grieve the identity we clung to in addiction, or the years we feel we lost to it.

Unreleased, this grief festers. We carry it in our bodies, our hearts, our behaviour. It leaks into our shares. It hijacks our step work. And we wonder why emotional sobriety still feels out of reach.

Why we resist releasing grief

We resist grief because it feels vulnerable. Resistance comes in the form of pride (not wanting to seem weak), fear (of being overwhelmed), and the desire for control (not wanting to be "taken over" by emotion) as common blocks to releasing grief.

The key is to release the resistance to the grief itself. That’s the block, not the grief. Most of us have been taught to suppress and repress grief. Men especially. “Don’t cry.” “Man up.” “Push through.” “If I ever start crying, I’ll never stop”. It’s no wonder many of us walk around with a lifetime of unprocessed sadness locked inside.

In truth, what we resist persists. Grief isn’t something to be afraid of. It’s natural. And when we release the blocks to it, it will come up.

Analysis is not necessary. You don’t need to intellectualise the source of grief, or even name it. Trying to “figure it out” becomes another avoidance strategy. Instead, you simply feel the grief fully, without resistance, suppression, or expression.

The body knows how to return to emotional homeostasis. A state of balance and rest. When you release the blocks, the shame, fear, pride, guilt or anger about having the feeling, the grief will come up. Grief is only temporary. If it’s allowed to come up and be released, it will last a maximum of 10 to 20 minutes. Learn more about resistance.

What happens when we release grief

When you truly allow grief, it begins to dissolve. You’re not stuck with it forever. Instead of being unconsciously run by it, you begin to experience acceptance and sometimes, even peace.

This process requires courage to begin. Willingness to start letting go of resistance. And acceptance of what will arise. Once you realise you can handle it… you start to believe that you can release it. There may be more of it. Keep releasing it as it arises.

Once you start letting go of grief, something amazing happens: people notice. You look different. Lighter. Your face softens. Your voice deepens. You walk through life feeling less burdened and more present.

Using music and film to elicit grief

Some feelings are buried so deeply, they need help surfacing. That’s where music and film can be powerful allies in grief work. A song can bypass the intellect and hit the heart like nothing else. A scene from a film can mirror back the exact emotion we’ve been too defended to access.

Try this: make a playlist of songs that evoke sadness, longing, or tenderness. Not to wallow — but to gently invite what’s unexpressed to rise. The goal isn’t to indulge the feeling, but to release it. Sit with the bodily sensations as they arise. Let the music open the door.

Films, too, can be portals. The father-son moment in The Pursuit of Happyness, the loss in Manchester by the Sea, or the quiet grief in The Father. These scenes stir us because they touch the universal. They remind us it’s okay to feel. In releasing, that reminder is sacred.

Let yourself be moved. Let the body speak. Don’t get caught in the story. Return again and again to the bodily sensations, and release what arises. Stay with it as it will come in waves.

Masculinity and grief

Let’s name it: for many men, grief is taboo. We’re told it’s weak to cry. That we’re supposed to be stoic. But that’s not strength. That’s survival.

True masculinity isn’t about disconnection. It’s about capacity. The man who can sit with his grief and release it, without drowning in it, is a man who can hold space for himself and others.

When men release grief, their relationships change. Their presence shifts. They become more grounded, more available, and more authentic. It’s not emasculating. It’s human.

Grief is a journey

We often approach grief like it’s work. Something to do. But grief doesn’t work like that. It can’t be called upon. We can’t force ourselves to grieve. All we can do is learn to release the resistance to it. Resistance to grief is often layered. Working through the resistance and the blocks is the path. The grief wants to be released.

You might be years sober, spiritually connected, helping others, and suddenly, grief hits. A memory, a smell, an anniversary. It can feel like starting from scratch. But it’s not regression. It’s simply another layer arising to be released.

Releasing meets grief where it is, not where your ego thinks it “should” be. You don’t have to force closure or make meaning right away. You just have to be willing to sit with what’s arising. Adopting an attitude of curiosity will help to begin releasing the blocks.

From suppression to strength

Suppressed grief shows up in the body. In migraines. Gut issues. Fatigue. It drains our energy, distorts our perception, and keeps us locked in old emotional patterns. It’s at the root of all attachment issues.

But when you learn to release grief, everything changes. The melancholy, regret and despondency begin to progressively disappear.

One client told me: “I cried for the first time in twenty years, and afterwards, I felt lighter than I had in decades.” Another described how the grief she’d buried from childhood resurfaced and, through releasing it, she melted into wholeness.

This isn’t therapy. It’s simply allowing what is arising to arise. Being with the bodily sensations as the changeless witness of the experience.

Want to learn how to release?

If you’re ready to release emotions instead of suppressing, expressing, or analysing them, then you’re ready for OUTSIDE help. We teach you how to release, as life happens, so you can truly live life on life’s terms. Read my answers to the most frequently asked questions.

If you’re interested in working with me, check out my emotional sobriety coaching services.

If you’re ready to talk about how releasing can benefit your recovery and explore working with me, book a discovery call today to begin the journey towards emotional sobriety. Learn more about emotional sobriety.

If you’re reading this but feel you’re at the stage where you are back in the grip of alcoholism or drug addiction, get in touch with Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous. There is a solution.